“Listen to me, don’t talk back, what’s the matter with you? You’re grounded” Who is this Father talking to? It appears that he is talking to his daughter, but his daughter is clearly not there. His daughter is so shut down that she is no longer able to hear what her father is saying.

I felt like my parents didn’t see me, couldn’t see me, because of their own wounds that they had not worked through. Now, I don’t blame them, I know they did the best they could. All I am saying is that because they were unable to do their inner work, they were not able to show up for me.

When I first started working with teenagers, I noticed that for them to really shift their behaviors, I had to shift the parents behaviors too. If you as a parent are only reacting to your teen and not responding, your teen will never open up to you and allow your guidance.

When we are in our own childhood wounds, we cannot be available for our teenagers, because we are looking to meet our own needs.  We can only step into their reality if our wounded child has been taken care of.   It is virtually impossible to be present for someone else if we are not taking care of our self.

If you get to know your childhood wounds and how they could show up for you, you will see how it is affecting you, and you’re reacting to your teen through them.

If your teen does something, lets say she stays out later than her curfew and immediately you go into panic mode, and slip into your fears.  She comes home and you start in right away with “Where were you, what were you doing, your thirty minutes past your curfew, your grounded”. Geez, she didn’t even have a moment to tell her mother what happened. So the daughter gets upset and starts yelling and it goes back and forth and ends with the mother saying you’re grounded and walking out. Total Reaction!

The mother was clearly triggered by her daughter coming in late because she has an unresolved childhood wound, maybe her own mother not respecting her and not following through on things she said she would do. If this is the case, she would react to her teen instead of respond.

If the mother would have responded instead of reacted, this is what it might have looked like. Mother says “Are you okay, I noticed you are thirty minutes late?” “Yes, Mom I am okay.”  “Jeannie saw Mr. Walker her English teacher at the concert and they were talking, and couldn’t .”  “I totally understand that things like this happen and what I would like you to do in the future is call me and see if it’s okay if you stay out later. This is our agreement and for your father and I to continue to trust you, you have to make sure your actions are trustworthy”.

This is your opportunity to explain integrity, and trust and its importance. If we react, the learning is missed because they are thinking about how unreasonable you are instead of learning a deeper level of integrity. Reacting has no purpose and only does damage.  We have to learn to move through our own woundedness so we can show up for our teenagers with compassion and clarity. It’s hard to respond to our teens if we are in reaction mode. So, it’s time to do your work around your childhood wounds and do some healing, so you can start showing up for your teen in a whole new way.

Lets me know if you have a situation that you have dealt with regarding responding or reacting and what you did. It’s a tough journey to be working on your childhood wounds and still be showing up for your teens. Remember, I mentor both teenagers and parents.

Keep Loving Yourself, Debra

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