I am always talking to parents about the control they think they have over their teenagers. The bottom line is they have none. If a teen wants to do something, they will find a way to do it, whether their parents tell them to do it or not. This is why I work with the teen on empowering her because she has the control over what she is doing, so you might as well start teaching her how to use the power she already has.
It’s an illusion parents, to think you have the control, so the sooner you start preparing your teen to use the power she has responsibly, the better off she will be. If your teen thinks she has control over her life and she is responsible for her actions, she will make her decisions more carefully. Then when something goes wrong, the only one to blame is herself. Do you see how this approach might be more empowering then making all of the decisions for your teen, with the illusion that she is going to listen to you?
By giving the control to her, while teaching her how to make good decisions, you empower her with the tools she needs to become a responsible young adult. By making her decisions for her, you rob her of the life lessons she needs to learn and it’s just not an effective way to get her not to drink, have sex or even be committed to doing her homework.
I mentor a family, with a 15-year-old daughter that the parents have consistently told her not to have sex. The daughter met a guy she really liked and within a few months they were having sex. When the parents found out they were shocked and they grounded her and forbid her to see her boyfriend.
First of all, telling your teens not to have sex isn’t effective. As a parent you need to communicate with your kids and educate them on the risks involved. They need the tools! When I take this action-this could happen. When I have sex-I can get pregnant, get a STD, or take a hit on my sense of self. After the incident do you think she stopped seeing her boyfriend? Of course not, she lied to her parents and kept seeing him and kept having sex.
You don’t want to put your teen in this position, to first be walking through her life without the tools she needs to make good decisions and second, force her to lie to you.
You need to teach her how to make responsible decisions for herself and then when she makes a mistake, don’t ground her, talk to her about why she chose the route she did and ask her how she would do things differently to achieve a better outcome.
If she is being held accountable for her own actions she will behave differently, more responsibly. As parents our ultimate goal is to have independent, responsible, well adjusted, and happy kids. So, parents, start teaching your teens to make good decisions and start allowing them to make their own decisions. They are already making their own decision, their just making them without the pertinent information to make good decisions.
