Connecting With Your Teen

Welcome to Week Four

Dealing with Your Own Fears Around Your Teen's Behaviors.

Please watch the WEEK FOUR Video above first. 

Everything that happens in our childhood causes us to react to things that happen in our adult life. For instance, my parents ignored me when I was growing up, so in my adult life when someone treated me like I was a non-person in one way or another, it triggered me. Now, if I was not aware of this wound of being ignored, I might react negatively to their behavior or I would just shut down and have nothing to do with them. The same thing happens with our kids.

It triggered me so much because it tapped into that childhood wound of not being important enough to be paid attention to. If I was reacting from that wounded place, I probably would have yelled, “Don’t you see that I am sick? All you care about is yourself, you’re so selfish!” If I was trying to build a confident, empowered teen, I would have failed miserably. My words would not be empowering at all. See how my reaction to her wasn’t in her best interest?

If I was aware of that wounding and doing my work around it, I would have been able to show up for her differently. I would have be been able to enter into her reality to realize that she was freaking out, thinking her rabbits were going to starve to death because I was sick. With that understanding, even though I was sick, I could have shown up for her by saying, “I completely understand that you are scared that if we don’t get food right now, that your rabbits might die. We won’t let that happen. Go into the refrigerator and see if we have any lettuce or carrots, and we will figure something else out tomorrow, when I am feeling better.”

Then when I was feeling better, I talked to her about her letting me know in advance about needing rabbit food. That was her responsibility to make sure the rabbits are cared for. I explained to her that it would be better to give herself more time to get food, and not wait to the last minute when the food is gone. This is where setting a boundary comes in.

If we are aware of our wounds from our childhood, we will stop reacting to the trigger and be able to respond in a more positive way. If we’re not looking at them, the only thing we will do is reacting negatively, and it won’t feel good to your teen or to yourself.

Write down all the ways you were mistreated as a child. This isn’t about blaming your parents; they did the best they could. This exercise is about bringing awareness into your behaviors around the wounds that were created as a child.

Looking at all of the ways you may have been affected by your childhood only brings awareness and a better understanding of who you are.

Here are some examples of wounds you may have on your list and how they may affect you now. They are very general, only to give you an idea. You may also have a mixture of wounds, which complicates things more. These are just some ways these issues may have affected you, but not always the case.

These are just a few. I won’t go into the more extreme wounding from physical and sexual abuse because it cannot be dealt with through an exercise in this format. The idea here is to shed light on your behavior from your childhood wounds where you might be projecting them on to your teen.

Fear is a very strong emotion that parents feel for one reason or another. When a parent is having these emotions, they will project this fear onto their teen.

Here is another example of how this may happen and how knowing about your wounding will allow you to respond instead of react.

Your teen comes home late after curfew and this makes you angry because you have been waiting, wondering if something bad has happened to her. She walks in the door and immediately you say, “WHERE WERE YOU? YOU’RE LATE, I HAVE BEEN WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU. HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING? YOU’RE GROUNDED, GO TO YOUR ROOM!”

When you react like that to your teen from a fearful place out of your own wounding, your behavior shuts her down. You leave your teen no room for explanation, communication, and most importantly, no room for learning. She goes to her room and guess what she is thinking about? No, not about being late and disappointing you. She is thinking about how much she hates you and how you don’t understand what it is like to be a teenager. You have just stunted her learning experience about a very important issue. This is what happens when you aren’t aware of your wounding and your behavior.

Responding feels completely different. Her behavior may still trigger you, but you understand that this is what teens do; they are exercising their free will and learning about who they are. In realizing this you can stay calm, and handle things differently so you can be available to help her learn more about herself.

Your response, instead of your reaction, would look more like this: “I noticed you are late, is everything okay?” “Yes, everything is okay, thanks, Mom. We were at Katie’s house and Mike was leaving and slammed his hand in his car door and we helped him and on my way home I went to call you and realized my cell phone was dead.” “Oh, my, is Mike okay?” “Yes, he had to go to the hospital.” “Well, I hope he is going to be alright.” “Me, too, Mom.” “ When you are late, I get so worried. If you could please check your phone before the time you are due home and then figure out a way to call me if your phone is dead. This would help me not worry and build a more trusting relationship between us. I want to allow you the freedoms you want, and I also want to build a trusting, respectful relationship with you.”

This type of communication allows for both parties to be heard and honored, and for you to teach your teen about respect and trust, in a way that she feels cared for safe.

By not reacting too your teen, she won’t be afraid of your response, and she will be able to communicate with you honestly and openly. Responding to your teen instead of reacting allows you to teach your teen about the situation at hand. When she isn’t in defense mode, she will be able to hear what you are saying because your reaction hasn’t backed her up against a wall.

A new connection is formed in your relationship because she can feel your genuine concern for her and that you are truly working together on the immediate issue. A difficult situation becomes a win-win situation!

So, here are some simple tips to communicate through responding, not reacting.

• No matter how angry you are, don’t yell and react. This only shuts her down.
  
  
• Before you speak to your teen, think about what would be the best way to communicate with her. This helps you to not react.
  
  
• Ask yourself why you are so upset and launching into a reaction. Look at your issues around it. (You may have reason to be angry but you still don’t have to react.)
  
  
• Remember what your job is as a parent-to teach your teen. If she is shut down, she can’t hear you.
  
  
• Remember, this is a big part of your teen’s learning about independence and what works out there in the world.
  
  
• Explain why you need her to participate more responsibly. Don’t just don’t just say “because I told you to.”
  
  
• Remember, she is a teenager and she is learning what the boundaries are, and how that affects her and the others around her.
  
  

The more aware you are of your behavior, the more you will be able to see how it is affecting your teen. I have seen many relationships between mother and daughter shift dramatically through a mother looking at her part. You are the adult and, therefore, you are the one that must take ownership of your actions and behavior. She is the teen, learning the tools she needs to show up in the world positively and responsibly. Don’t expect her to be the bigger person. She’s a newbie here.

These last 4 weeks have been full of impactful information. If you feel like you are stumbling on a few things, this is normal. It takes practice. Let’s sum up the last 4 weeks.

Course Recap

• STEP INTO YOUR TEEN’S REALITY.
  
  Really get a feel for what she is going through. She needs the space to explore her feelings without having another upset brought on by your fears.
  
  
• TEACH YOUR TEEN HOW TO MANAGE HER LIFE.
  
  Allow her to spread her wings and learn how to become more independent. The only way to do this is to let go and let her make mistakes, and not punish her for trying to learn. Know that she is doing her best.
  
  
• HAVE YOUR BOUNDARIES AND ALLOW HER TO HAVE HER BOUNDARIES.
  
  Your teen feels safe when she knows what to expect from her parents. She also needs to feel respected by you taking her boundaries seriously.
  
  
• ADDRESS YOUR FEARS AROUND YOUR TEEN’S BEHAVIOR.
  
  The more you respond instead of react to your teen, the more open she will be to you helping guide her through this crazy world.
  
  

All of these sections will help you to show up for your teen in a way that will allow her to be more open with you. If you can master these 4 weeks, you and your teen will respond to each other more positively. This takes ongoing practice. The work doesn’t end here, but the rewards far outweigh the work.

The reward is that you will be a very important part of your teen’s life, connecting to her in a way you might have thought was never possible. She will learn life skills that are critical to her development as a growing, evolving person. You will learn more about yourself and expand on your growth and evolution as a person.

Congratulations! I am in awe of your commitment to your teen’s growth and to your own! Thank you for participating at such a high level in life and changing the world one person at a time. If you want to take this even deeper, I mentor both teens and parents. I help teens develop the confidence and satisfaction in themselves to make good decisions and play “big” in the world. I help parents learn how to show up with more love, respect and compassion for their teen and for themselves.

Thank you again.

Much Love,

Debra