Connecting with Your Teen

Welcome to Week One

Stepping Into Your Teens Reality.

Please watch the WEEK ONE video above first.

WEEK ONE

"Stepping Into You Teen's Reatity"

Go to Week Two

"Teaching Your Teen to Manage Her Life"

Go to Week Three

"Setting Boundaries"

Go to Week Four

"Dealing with Your Own Fears Around Your Teen’s Behavior"

While this course is designed to take up to 4 weeks, you are encouraged to go at your own pace, and to revisit your previous progress as you need reinforcement. You now have access to all four course segments as listed below, but the skills and techniques are designed to build on each other, so you are encouraged to go through the course segments in order to get the most out of them.

Have you ever been talking to your teen where the situation starts spinning out of control and suddenly you’re yelling, she’s crying, and she runs to her room and slams the door? Your heart is aching, although it is hard to tell exactly how much because of your anger, and she is in her room, sobbing, wondering why you don’t understand her.

Even if you have never experienced this and you are just wanting to strengthen your bond with your teen, this course will help you relate to your her in a whole new way through love and compassion.

First, let’s look at what happens when your teen brings an issue to you or simply wants to share an experience with you. Let’s say your daughter comes home from volleyball practice and she is very upset, and the conversation goes like this:

“Mom, I’m so upset with my volleyball teachers and the girls on my team. There is so much drama, and the teachers totally favor certain kids. I hate volleyball and I’m dropping out!”

“You’re not dropping out of volleyball. Don’t be ridiculous! I’m going to call the teachers and talk to them and see what’s really going on.”

“No, Mom, how embarrassing! You can’t call them! Just let me handle it.”

Your teen walks away more upset than she was before she told you about her problem.

I hear stories like this all the time from the teens I mentor. This teen needed to share an experience and express her feelings about it. However, the parent took it on and immediately tried to fix the situation like it was her issue to fix. Instead of being available for her teen, she became part of the problem.

In these situations, all your teen needs is for you to be available and listen to her with an understanding and compassionate ear. By not taking it on and just listening to your teen, it might make her feel differently. Let’s look at a different dialog:

“Mom, I’m so upset with my volleyball teachers and the girls on my team. There is so much drama and the teachers totally favor certain kids. I hate volleyball and I’m dropping out.”

“It’s sounds like you’re pretty upset. Let’s sit down and you can tell me all about it.”

She goes on to tell you how unfair the teachers are and how much drama there is between all of the girls, and how she really feels crappy about it, and she doesn’t really know what she is going to do about it. If you were listen and stepping into her reality, you might respond:

“I can see how this would make you feel so crappy. I am so sorry you are going through this. Situations like this are very tough to handle, aren’t they?”

Hold her for a while and let her know that you are there for her if she needs you.

This approach allows her the space to feel what she is feeling and not have your upset feelings on top of her upset. It also brings her anxiety level down so she is better equipped to figure out what the best solution is for her.

Remember, that this is her life, her choices, her journey.

Do this exercise to give you insight into how you communicate with your teen.

Understanding Your Behavior Around Your Teen

1. What opinions of your teen do you disagree with?

2. Do you respect her opinions?

3. What do you and your teen argue about?

4. How does your teen react to you?

5. Do you trust your teen? If not, why?

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This week, pay attention to your interaction with your teen. I mostly want you to look at your behavior, not hers. Look at how it affects you when she doesn’t agree with you or she does something that you view as not being in her best interest. Try not to engage with her. Just observe.

Step into her reality when she is sharing with you and telling you about an issue she is having. Really get a sense for what she is going through and how she feels. Validate her reality by saying, “I can see how you might feel that way.”

Keep your feelings out of the conversation. If you are getting charged or triggered by something your teen is doing, realize that those feelings you are having may be coming from your childhood wounds. If you are having feelings of anger or fear, step back and ask yourself why. Then realize that there is no room in her situation for your feelings.

So, in this first week, it’s about stepping into your teen’s reality and watching your own behavior around your interactions with her. When you react from your own fears or anger, it pushes your teen away and shuts her down.

During the teen years, you want your teen to be open to you so she can come to you with all of her problems. You want to be the one guiding her through these turbulent times, not her 15 year-old friends. She needs to know she can come to you. She needs to have you available to her.

Teens with a good support system move through their issues faster and learn to have a better understanding of who they are.

Have a good week!

Debra