When Parents React, Everyone Feels It

When Parents React, Everyone in the Family Feels It!

As parents, it’s easy to focus only on how we react to our kids. But have you ever noticed how your reactions toward each other — mother to father, father to mother — also ripple through the whole family? For your teen, that’s a double whammy. Not only do they absorb your energy directed at them, but they’re also affected by how you handle conflict, triggers, and stress in your partnership. They’re also learning how to communicate by watching how you do it.

And truthfully, it’s not just their nervous system that takes a hit. It’s yours, as well.

According to the Cleveland Clinic, “Your nervous system plays a role in everything you do. The three main parts of your nervous system are your brain, spinal cord, and nerves. It helps you move, think, and feel. It even regulates the things you do but don’t think about, like digestion.”

The Nervous System at the Center

Parenting isn’t just about rules and boundaries — it’s also about nervous systems. When you’re triggered and reacting, what’s really happening is fear taking over. The body kicks into defense mode, and before you know it, you’re snapping, shutting down, or pushing back. The same thing happens with your partner. When you both get reactive, it multiplies the stress in the household, and your teen ends up carrying the weight of that energy, affecting their nervous system, as well. This imbalance often leads to behavior issues as they act out in school or at home.

So, what’s the solution? Learning to manage your own nervous system. And the most effective way I know to do that is through inner child work.

This process is hard to do on your own. My suggestion is to work with a therapist or mentor who specializes in inner child work to uncover old beliefs and patterns. When you consistently do the work — alone or with your partner — you begin to guide your nervous system from fear into love. Over time, your reactions soften, and you show up calmer and more grounded.

Practical Steps for Parents

Here are a few things you and your partner can begin practicing to create a calmer home and healthier model for your teen:

Get on the same page about parenting. Consistency builds safety. Talk through your values and your expectations for your teen so that you’re not sending mixed signals.
Manage and regulate your own nervous system. Learn practices to calm yourself before engaging. This could be deep breathing, taking a pause, or journaling about what’s really happening inside you.
Commit to becoming non-reactive. Remember: reacting is fear-based. Responding is love-based. Choose the pause before you answer.
Use a trigger communication system. In my book What If Your Teen Isn’t the Problem? I share a simple way to communicate within the family dynamic when you’ve been triggered. It’s about acknowledging the trigger and the old beliefs around the upset, sharing how you felt in your body, and seeing how the Ego wanted to act out with anger and blame. It’s not about being right – it’s about expressing and being heard in a healthy manner.

From Fear to Love

The more inner work you do, the more you’ll notice that your nervous system calms down, and your home follows suit. When you shift out of fear and into love, your teen feels it. They don’t just hear your words — they feel your energy.

If you want more tools to help guide your teen without getting stuck in fear or reaction, I invite you to check out my book What If Your Teen Isn’t the Problem? and explore the resources at Empowered Teens and Parents. The work you do for yourself ripples out to your teen in ways you can’t imagine.

Check out my Family Retreat, a great accompaniment to the Couple Retreats through Sedona Soul Retrieval, (my other website). It offers Adult Mother-Daughter Retreats, Individual Intensives, and Mentoring, offered in person or Remotely.

Set up a Free Consult to discuss any family issue that is disrupting the harmony in your home.

Warmly, Debra