I often talk to parents who have put their relationship with each other on the back burner to care for their kids. I wonder if this is doing more damage than good. It’s tough enough to raise kids that aren’t “me-centric” without making them the top priority in our life. I see this often when I am mentoring families. The parent’s lives revolve around the kids 100%. When I ask if they ever do any adult activities alone or with friends, they usually say they do not.
It isn’t a healthy set up in a primary relationship to not have alone time with each other.
When I tell parents to go out once a week and that they are not allowed to talk about their kids, they find themselves at a loss for words. They admit that it is impossible to have an evening out like they use to before having children.
This is one of the reasons it is so important to always maintain your relationship with each other first, then take your relationship together to the kids. If you lose your relationship together, it isn’t as easy or fun to parent your kids. It also isn’t good for the kids to have all of your attention on them. They are also learning to have a healthy relationship by watching you and your relationships. If you aren’t giving each other the attention needed to nurture the relationship, your children might learn to do the same in their relationships.
Relationships are tough when given the attention needed. When you lose touch with each other, the relationship becomes even more disconnected. When it is disconnected and a problem arises, it is harder to come to resolution because of the separation. When you are connected to each other and something comes up, it will be easier to talk about the issue and move through it.
When I have couples come in for a retreat, most of them have children and are looking for a way to get back to each other. I find that if they can connect with themselves first, then take that into their primary relationship, they will become better parents.
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